In 1943 I finished elementary school, and in the autumn of 1943 and it was no longer easy for a Jewish girl attending whichever school her parents chose. There were two options: either a civil school or the Jewish Gymnasium [see glossary]. There was a disagreement between my parents because my father said that the child should not go to a denominational school. My mother said that the child should go to a place where she was sure not to get any diseases. She would be more exposed to illness in the civil school. So I went to the Jewish Gymnasium, but not to Abonyi Street, because we didn't get a spot there. There was a private school called Lázár Piroska [see: Lázár Piroska's Public Educational Institute for Girls in Budapest], an external branch of the school on Abonyi Street, on the first floor of an apartment building in what is now Balassi Bálint, then Személynök Street. Fifty-five of us studied in one class, and two rooms were opened into one. The hall and one other room had been turned into a gym earlier, but it could only accommodate half a class, so the timetable was set as German/Gymnastics, Gymnastics/German. While half had Gymnastics, the other half had German, and then they switched. This school year didn't even last a year.
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Szekeres-Varsa Vera
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I remember my parents’ shock when the Germans marched in [see: German occupation of Hungary] and how they said, "We have a very serious problem." Not quite a month later, a letter came:
"The plenary meeting of the Board of the Budapest Bar Association held on 14 April 1944, pursuant to § 5 of Decree No. 1210/1944 of the Hung. Royal Ministry of Justice hereby removes Dr. József Varsa, attorney-at-law, from the register of lawyers as recorded by the Budapest Bar Association. The decision ordering his removal shall be published in the Budapest Gazette after it becomes final.
REASONS
The Board of the Budapest Bar Association has established that the lawyer named in the operative part of this decision is a person to be considered a Jew pursuant to Article 9 of Act XV of 1941, and therefore, pursuant to Article 5 of Decree No. 1210/1944 M.E., he should be removed from the register of lawyers kept by the Budapest Bar Association."
I have a copy of a letter my father wrote to one of his clients on April 20th 1944:
"Highly esteemed Mr. Rocskay,
If I remember correctly, in 1938, but in any case, at the very beginning of our business relationship and in several subsequent discussions, you, Mr. Rocskay, made generalizing statements about the unreliability of Jews in general. Whether out of conviction or based on unpleasant experiences, I do not know, but doubtless in the belief that I am not a Jew.
For the sake of sincerity, however, I must also state that on more than one occasion during our various discussions, you, esteemed Mr. Rocskay, made remarks which proved, if not your pro-Jewish sentiments, at least your humanist mindset. Because, as you, Mr. Rocskay, emphasized, a man should never be judged by his origin, nationality, or religion but by his deeds.
Your statement about the unreliable character of Jews also applied more specifically to Jewish lawyers; however, as I said, in a generalized way. I did not want to refute it at that time for many different reasons.
One reason was that I had never engaged in political or ideological debates with my clients or others. Another was that I considered such debates pointless. First of all - I am convinced - it was not by words but deeds that such beliefs and statements, which I thought to be misconceptions, had to be refuted. Also, I considered it pointless to enter into such a debate because any argument, agitation, or proof against such misconceptions would appear to be a futile struggle.
And finally, I had not refuted such statements because I had adopted such a stance. I could not have spent the last 30 years or more on anything other than the perpetual and fruitless pursuit of such arguments.
During my career as a lawyer, my years as a volunteer, the First World War, and the long years of captivity, I considered all refutations unnecessary. On the contrary, if I had chosen to argue against the ill accusations, I would not have followed my conviction to refute them by deeds, not words.
Whether this perception was right or wrong is not for me to decide. Still, the fact is that my most insistent clients were those who – at the beginning of our acquaintance - uttered views similar to yours, Mr. Rocskay, even though I later told them the truth about my status.
However, I do not want you, Mr. Rocskay, or anyone else who may read this letter, to be misled and think my silence was intended only to attract and keep clients. On several occasions during my practice, the condition of the engagement was that the lawyer must not be Jewish. In such cases, I have regretfully declined my engagement, without regard to any financial or other advantage and with a statement of my religion.
Not so very long ago, while we were still in contact, I was recommended by a high-ranking state functionary as legal adviser to a large Dutch firm here. However, when I learned the Dutch firm sought a Christian lawyer, I immediately informed my patron that I did not meet this condition. I did not visit the director of the Dutch firm at the arranged time and place for the reason I have just mentioned. I was then given the advice I did not follow: to take the case because they would waive the condition above after seeing my work. But I did not apply, even though I knew that this firm alone would have provided me with more income than my entire clientele, as it was.
Generally speaking, I declared my religion to the client if the case was of significant financial interest, especially if it was an out-of-court procedure. If asked, I would tell the truth in cases of minor benefits or economic advantages. Still, as in your case, if I was not asked, I almost made a sport of my conduct, not referring to my religion. Indeed, such cases often resulted in strange situations, but I followed the principle that deeds are the proper arguments against untrue accusations instead of words. After the cases were closed, I told them I was not a Christian, whereas the clients told me not to make a fool of them because they would not believe it.
Also, there have been occasions when I have had to pocket the following remarks with bitter satisfaction: "Only a Christian lawyer can conduct a case so fairly and objectively."
Despite its irrelevance to the matter, our long and pleasant cooperation, Mr. Rocskay, requires that before you misjudge my conduct, I declare I have never denied my religion except in one case. When I was a prisoner of war in Russia, I had to choose whether to stay with my comrades with whom I was one and with whom I was lying on the front line in the Carpathians and then in the sands of Galicia. If I had not denied my religion, I would have ended up in a European camp and not in a Siberian one, but if I had denied it, I could have stayed with my comrades. Of course, I denied my religion without hesitation.
I know this is not a merit, nor do I wish to make it sound like one; I only bring it up because generalizations are always untrue. After all, it was not only I who denied my religion on this occasion but all my fellow officers of the Jewish faith in that camp, without any hesitation or discussion.
As for the mentality of Jewish lawyers, I can only say that many of my Jewish colleagues think as I do in the conduct of their cases. Still, I have no wish to prove this because I have already stated that fighting against this epidemic is futile.
Despite what I have said, you may still question, Mr. Rocskay: why I am only telling you all this now? Why not earlier? Perhaps the above explanation would be good enough. I want to add another thing: I have been preparing to tell all this - if not in such detail - for some time. On the one hand, I have been ill for about two years and spent most of the time in a sanatorium, so we hardly met.
On the other hand, you, Mr. Rocskay, had only two legal cases with me, one in 1937 (the naturalization) and the house purchase in 1939. In these two cases, if I remember correctly, I earned 1600 pengő, which is money for me, but not enough to explain my silence until today. The purpose of writing this letter is that on the 4th of this month, you, Mr. Rocskay, asked me to represent your interests in purchasing a new property on the proceeds of the house purchase.
In the shadow of the yellow star, I have not yet declined the commission because, although I am aware of your cautious attitude in these matters, I wanted to help with my advice. Even with this resolution, I decided that if the case came to completion, I would not bring the matter to a legal conclusion because, with a yellow star on my chest, I did not wish to be a member of a body that once had Kossuth, Jókai, Eötvös and other undoubtedly great Hungarians.
I came to this position not only in your case, Mr. Rocskay. I have decided not to take any case since 5 April because of my above resolution.
Whether Mr. Rocskay's planned transaction will become topical or not, I do not know, but if it does, I will not take the case even within the grace period (until 31 May) because, as I have said, I do not wish to act as a lawyer shamed and stigmatized.
However, based on fellow feelings for you, Mr. Rocskay, if the case is still on the table by 31 May, I will happily provide guidance free of charge. After that, I cannot advise you, not even free of charge. Although I would be happy to help some of my former clients, including you, I want to avoid even the appearance of conflicting with the law.
This matter would have needed a more detailed explanation. I chose to write because a meeting with you, Mr. Rocskay, would have brought you a startling surprise, which I wanted to avoid.
Mr. Rocskay, I have always respected men of honesty and faith like you. I have reached the point of saying all this and, in some respects, of putting an end to the conduct which I have practiced in some cases - again, whether rightly or wrongly, I do not know - but de facto have done so.
I hope you, Mr. Rocskay, will keep me in your good memory, just as I will keep you and your whole family in my memory.
I send my compliments to Madame and Gizike and extend my warmest greetings to you, Mr. Rocskay, and your sons.
Yours sincerely, … "
József Rocskay sent the following reply:
"To Mr. József Varsa.
Dear Mr. Varsa, dear Counselor, it is miserable to read the lines of your letter in which I seem to be hostile toward Jews. I will only state two facts. For years, my lawyer in Nice was Rozentál, and in Paris Salamon, both honest people, and my manager was a certain Mr. Kertész for nine years, all Jewish people. A faithful Roman Catholic considers all men brothers and could not even consider harming them. I learned to love you as much as if you were a dear brother to me, which is why your letter makes me sad. I only ask that in the future, if I need your advice, you allow me to show you the contract personally before signing it. Meanwhile, I also apologize if I have offended you in any way or other.
Sincerely,
József Rocskay
Budapest, 5 May 1944.
"The plenary meeting of the Board of the Budapest Bar Association held on 14 April 1944, pursuant to § 5 of Decree No. 1210/1944 of the Hung. Royal Ministry of Justice hereby removes Dr. József Varsa, attorney-at-law, from the register of lawyers as recorded by the Budapest Bar Association. The decision ordering his removal shall be published in the Budapest Gazette after it becomes final.
REASONS
The Board of the Budapest Bar Association has established that the lawyer named in the operative part of this decision is a person to be considered a Jew pursuant to Article 9 of Act XV of 1941, and therefore, pursuant to Article 5 of Decree No. 1210/1944 M.E., he should be removed from the register of lawyers kept by the Budapest Bar Association."
I have a copy of a letter my father wrote to one of his clients on April 20th 1944:
"Highly esteemed Mr. Rocskay,
If I remember correctly, in 1938, but in any case, at the very beginning of our business relationship and in several subsequent discussions, you, Mr. Rocskay, made generalizing statements about the unreliability of Jews in general. Whether out of conviction or based on unpleasant experiences, I do not know, but doubtless in the belief that I am not a Jew.
For the sake of sincerity, however, I must also state that on more than one occasion during our various discussions, you, esteemed Mr. Rocskay, made remarks which proved, if not your pro-Jewish sentiments, at least your humanist mindset. Because, as you, Mr. Rocskay, emphasized, a man should never be judged by his origin, nationality, or religion but by his deeds.
Your statement about the unreliable character of Jews also applied more specifically to Jewish lawyers; however, as I said, in a generalized way. I did not want to refute it at that time for many different reasons.
One reason was that I had never engaged in political or ideological debates with my clients or others. Another was that I considered such debates pointless. First of all - I am convinced - it was not by words but deeds that such beliefs and statements, which I thought to be misconceptions, had to be refuted. Also, I considered it pointless to enter into such a debate because any argument, agitation, or proof against such misconceptions would appear to be a futile struggle.
And finally, I had not refuted such statements because I had adopted such a stance. I could not have spent the last 30 years or more on anything other than the perpetual and fruitless pursuit of such arguments.
During my career as a lawyer, my years as a volunteer, the First World War, and the long years of captivity, I considered all refutations unnecessary. On the contrary, if I had chosen to argue against the ill accusations, I would not have followed my conviction to refute them by deeds, not words.
Whether this perception was right or wrong is not for me to decide. Still, the fact is that my most insistent clients were those who – at the beginning of our acquaintance - uttered views similar to yours, Mr. Rocskay, even though I later told them the truth about my status.
However, I do not want you, Mr. Rocskay, or anyone else who may read this letter, to be misled and think my silence was intended only to attract and keep clients. On several occasions during my practice, the condition of the engagement was that the lawyer must not be Jewish. In such cases, I have regretfully declined my engagement, without regard to any financial or other advantage and with a statement of my religion.
Not so very long ago, while we were still in contact, I was recommended by a high-ranking state functionary as legal adviser to a large Dutch firm here. However, when I learned the Dutch firm sought a Christian lawyer, I immediately informed my patron that I did not meet this condition. I did not visit the director of the Dutch firm at the arranged time and place for the reason I have just mentioned. I was then given the advice I did not follow: to take the case because they would waive the condition above after seeing my work. But I did not apply, even though I knew that this firm alone would have provided me with more income than my entire clientele, as it was.
Generally speaking, I declared my religion to the client if the case was of significant financial interest, especially if it was an out-of-court procedure. If asked, I would tell the truth in cases of minor benefits or economic advantages. Still, as in your case, if I was not asked, I almost made a sport of my conduct, not referring to my religion. Indeed, such cases often resulted in strange situations, but I followed the principle that deeds are the proper arguments against untrue accusations instead of words. After the cases were closed, I told them I was not a Christian, whereas the clients told me not to make a fool of them because they would not believe it.
Also, there have been occasions when I have had to pocket the following remarks with bitter satisfaction: "Only a Christian lawyer can conduct a case so fairly and objectively."
Despite its irrelevance to the matter, our long and pleasant cooperation, Mr. Rocskay, requires that before you misjudge my conduct, I declare I have never denied my religion except in one case. When I was a prisoner of war in Russia, I had to choose whether to stay with my comrades with whom I was one and with whom I was lying on the front line in the Carpathians and then in the sands of Galicia. If I had not denied my religion, I would have ended up in a European camp and not in a Siberian one, but if I had denied it, I could have stayed with my comrades. Of course, I denied my religion without hesitation.
I know this is not a merit, nor do I wish to make it sound like one; I only bring it up because generalizations are always untrue. After all, it was not only I who denied my religion on this occasion but all my fellow officers of the Jewish faith in that camp, without any hesitation or discussion.
As for the mentality of Jewish lawyers, I can only say that many of my Jewish colleagues think as I do in the conduct of their cases. Still, I have no wish to prove this because I have already stated that fighting against this epidemic is futile.
Despite what I have said, you may still question, Mr. Rocskay: why I am only telling you all this now? Why not earlier? Perhaps the above explanation would be good enough. I want to add another thing: I have been preparing to tell all this - if not in such detail - for some time. On the one hand, I have been ill for about two years and spent most of the time in a sanatorium, so we hardly met.
On the other hand, you, Mr. Rocskay, had only two legal cases with me, one in 1937 (the naturalization) and the house purchase in 1939. In these two cases, if I remember correctly, I earned 1600 pengő, which is money for me, but not enough to explain my silence until today. The purpose of writing this letter is that on the 4th of this month, you, Mr. Rocskay, asked me to represent your interests in purchasing a new property on the proceeds of the house purchase.
In the shadow of the yellow star, I have not yet declined the commission because, although I am aware of your cautious attitude in these matters, I wanted to help with my advice. Even with this resolution, I decided that if the case came to completion, I would not bring the matter to a legal conclusion because, with a yellow star on my chest, I did not wish to be a member of a body that once had Kossuth, Jókai, Eötvös and other undoubtedly great Hungarians.
I came to this position not only in your case, Mr. Rocskay. I have decided not to take any case since 5 April because of my above resolution.
Whether Mr. Rocskay's planned transaction will become topical or not, I do not know, but if it does, I will not take the case even within the grace period (until 31 May) because, as I have said, I do not wish to act as a lawyer shamed and stigmatized.
However, based on fellow feelings for you, Mr. Rocskay, if the case is still on the table by 31 May, I will happily provide guidance free of charge. After that, I cannot advise you, not even free of charge. Although I would be happy to help some of my former clients, including you, I want to avoid even the appearance of conflicting with the law.
This matter would have needed a more detailed explanation. I chose to write because a meeting with you, Mr. Rocskay, would have brought you a startling surprise, which I wanted to avoid.
Mr. Rocskay, I have always respected men of honesty and faith like you. I have reached the point of saying all this and, in some respects, of putting an end to the conduct which I have practiced in some cases - again, whether rightly or wrongly, I do not know - but de facto have done so.
I hope you, Mr. Rocskay, will keep me in your good memory, just as I will keep you and your whole family in my memory.
I send my compliments to Madame and Gizike and extend my warmest greetings to you, Mr. Rocskay, and your sons.
Yours sincerely, … "
József Rocskay sent the following reply:
"To Mr. József Varsa.
Dear Mr. Varsa, dear Counselor, it is miserable to read the lines of your letter in which I seem to be hostile toward Jews. I will only state two facts. For years, my lawyer in Nice was Rozentál, and in Paris Salamon, both honest people, and my manager was a certain Mr. Kertész for nine years, all Jewish people. A faithful Roman Catholic considers all men brothers and could not even consider harming them. I learned to love you as much as if you were a dear brother to me, which is why your letter makes me sad. I only ask that in the future, if I need your advice, you allow me to show you the contract personally before signing it. Meanwhile, I also apologize if I have offended you in any way or other.
Sincerely,
József Rocskay
Budapest, 5 May 1944.
School continued for a while, maybe until April or early May, but they no longer let me take my Hebrew-letter prayer book with me, for example. Personally, I never experienced any anti-Semitic incidents until 1944. Or another example: Mariska cleaned with the shutters closed because we were not allowed to have Christian employees.53 My father told me that fortunately Dezső was in charge of the legal cases. Dezső was Christian. Uncle Vilmos's little printing shop, which was in Vasvári Pál Street, was apparently taken over by the printer he had employed.54 Then suddenly the 'star'55 came in and my mother started manufacturing stars on the sewing machine. Summer was coming soon, and then she sewed a beautiful silk star on my pretty little batiste dress. For the coats, she made stars from a thicker material. She sewed it well, because one doesn't sew anything poorly.
In May, we had to move in to a yellow-star house.56 Initially there were extenuating circumstances. For example, doctors and lawyers were allowed more space. One day, a colleague of my father's came to see us, who had received two gold Signum Laudis in the First World War,57 and was exempted from changing flats.58 He suggested we switch flats. His apartment was in a yellow-star house, and he did not want to stay there, and ours had not become a yellow-star house. So, we moved to the yellow-star house at 4 Tátra Street, where we had a room and a half, which was very good at the time. This didn't last long, of course, because soon there were thirty-five of us living in the flat, and I was sleeping under the piano with another little girl. We were at 4 Tátra Street until November. By then the Engels had arrived there, too.
Back in the summer of 1944, my father was persuaded to convert. It was a tough family battle, they blackmailed him with me. So my parents were baptized in the Lutheran church on Deák Square, where my uncle had made some contacts, and I was to learn a few prayers in order to be accepted as well later on, but history swept that away. At the same time, they bought two authentic evangelical birth certificates. My father was István Vágner, my mother's name was Margit Stettberger, and I was Veronika. The story goes that they did not accept money for the false papers, but asked for objects. I remember mainly those that concerned me, namely a gramophone I received for my tenth birthday with four English Linguaphon records and my bicycle. The only thing I remember of my father's belongings is the typewriter.59 My mother saw conversion as a life-saving gesture, who would care. She is a Hungarian who is also Jewish. My father suffered. Additionally, we had a Swiss passport, we had a Spanish passport, a Swedish passport, and there was a Vatican passport in the pipeline. But we didn't use any of them.
Because of his illness, my father was not taken for forced labor service, either, and I have an official document with the following text:
"Dr. József Varsa, resident of Tátra Street 4, V. district, Budapest, presented himself for enlistment in accordance with warrant number 24467 of the order of the Hung. Royal Ministry of Defense, and was found unfit for rubble clearance work in the medical examination undertaken. Budapest, August 1944. 11.
"Dr. József Varsa, resident of Tátra Street 4, V. district, Budapest, presented himself for enlistment in accordance with warrant number 24467 of the order of the Hung. Royal Ministry of Defense, and was found unfit for rubble clearance work in the medical examination undertaken. Budapest, August 1944. 11.
A few days later, despite the certificate, my fifty-two-year-old, seriously ill father was taken to dig trenches. It was then that Uncle Dezső wrote this letter to my mother:
"Dear Ilus, You can't imagine how terribly depressed I am, and I am wracked with self-reproach for not having taken a firm stand on the matter of your stay. Just imagine the feeling that overcame me when I found out that Jóska had been taken away. I won't attempt to console you, but I have it on good authority that they only took them for three days’ worth of labor and they are to be replaced by a new transport after three days. The Aryan couple's decree was withdrawn, so I'm home. Be sure to send me a few lines with the super and let me know what you need so I can at least be here to help. I will discuss certain things with the super and try my best to rectify the infinitely mindless mistake I made. Don't be discouraged; hang on tight, I hope everything will soon be all right. I kiss you and Vera many times. Dezső"
My father was to be taken further west from a place called Hosszúhegy, but first he was taken to the brick factory in Óbuda. Fortunately, he had enough money to send a letter to my uncle with a guard telling him he was there. Then my mother and Uncle Dezső and his uncle planned his rescue. I remember the rehearsal for the "play" at 15 Hold Street. My aunt had the look of a Hungarian grand dame. She had to wear her best fur coat, her best rings and her boa. They put money in an envelope and rehearsed the expected situation. They repeatedly rehearsed what to say and how to say it. Then, dressed as smartly as possible, she went out to the brickworks and said to the soldier on guard, whom the high-ranking lady was to address as a private and refer to him on a first name basis, "Lead me to your commander, son." He did. There was some young officer. What my aunt had to do was to pull off her gloves to show the many rings she wore, and put her hands on the table so that the envelope peeked out from underneath, and say "Give me Varsa!" He let him go free. That's how my father came home.
"Dear Ilus, You can't imagine how terribly depressed I am, and I am wracked with self-reproach for not having taken a firm stand on the matter of your stay. Just imagine the feeling that overcame me when I found out that Jóska had been taken away. I won't attempt to console you, but I have it on good authority that they only took them for three days’ worth of labor and they are to be replaced by a new transport after three days. The Aryan couple's decree was withdrawn, so I'm home. Be sure to send me a few lines with the super and let me know what you need so I can at least be here to help. I will discuss certain things with the super and try my best to rectify the infinitely mindless mistake I made. Don't be discouraged; hang on tight, I hope everything will soon be all right. I kiss you and Vera many times. Dezső"
My father was to be taken further west from a place called Hosszúhegy, but first he was taken to the brick factory in Óbuda. Fortunately, he had enough money to send a letter to my uncle with a guard telling him he was there. Then my mother and Uncle Dezső and his uncle planned his rescue. I remember the rehearsal for the "play" at 15 Hold Street. My aunt had the look of a Hungarian grand dame. She had to wear her best fur coat, her best rings and her boa. They put money in an envelope and rehearsed the expected situation. They repeatedly rehearsed what to say and how to say it. Then, dressed as smartly as possible, she went out to the brickworks and said to the soldier on guard, whom the high-ranking lady was to address as a private and refer to him on a first name basis, "Lead me to your commander, son." He did. There was some young officer. What my aunt had to do was to pull off her gloves to show the many rings she wore, and put her hands on the table so that the envelope peeked out from underneath, and say "Give me Varsa!" He let him go free. That's how my father came home.
We already had our papers; we were the Lutheran Vágner family who had fled from Gyöngyös. My parents decided to do so because Gyöngyös was already under Russian control, and on the other hand it was the only rural town I knew. They didn't buy me a paper, but I was on their papers. My name remained Veronika since, although they could see that I was reliable, if someone shouted my name and I would lift my head in response, it would be a giveaway. There was an amazing coincidence. When we moved there, we found out that Mrs. Lajos Návay Návay's maiden name was Mária Wagner. Only she spelled it with a "W". According to our papers, we were also Vágner, so we moved in with the landlord saying that Mária was my father's cousin. We felt relatively safe there.
There was the Arrow Cross headquarters of the fourth district - because it was the fourth district at the time. Day after day, these Arrow Cross men would pass by us, and they would come in and ask us: 'Madam, with respect, have you seen Brother Nagy?' We knew Brother Nagy very well, because he regularly came to the bomb shelter and delivered speeches, telling us that if anyone knew of anyone in hiding, they should report it, because a family had been caught next door and shot dead, along with their children. I remember he held at least four or five of these speeches with the general theme of "by pain of death.
We were liberated on the seventeenth of January, and late in the evening of the sixteenth a figure came, dressed half as a soldier, half as a civilian, wearing Bilgeri boots.72 He asked if there were any military men. Not many, but my father counted as one. They gathered around him. He said that he was a partisan, fighting with the Russians, and that they should synchronize their watches. They adjusted their watches, and the guy left. The next day, the thick iron door to the shelter was flung open and the Russians came in. "Nyemeckij, fascist?" There were neither Germans nor fascists. It was a big house with a big shelter, and because it was a genteel house, there were few people, the shelter was not crowded, so the Russians stayed, and installed their radio there.
After a week or two we went back to Tátra Street. In our apartment in the Phoenix House, there were refugees from Transylvania. We went upstairs and my father told them that this was our flat, they should leave. They left. They found a place in the house; we were on decent terms. They were not evil people, they did not harm anything. When we left, my mother had closed the dining room, there was the dining room table with a heavy crocheted tablecloth, and when she took the tablecloth down, the whole pattern was there in dust. So indeed, no one had touched it. Then all of a sudden, I had a 40-degree Celsius fever. The tension of the previous months must have come out on me. Brúnó Depner’s and Brother Nagy's brains, as I saw them spilling out. Two days later I was fine.
In 1947 I told my mother that I didn't want to go to the Jewish High School because there everyone was Zionist. She was relieved that I didn't want to go to Palestine.
I graduated in 1951 and looked to the bright future as a faithful communist youth activist.
My mother sold certain things. She had been doing a bit of sewing, but then she started working in earnest. But she didn't sew underwear, she sewed carrying bags. She sewed very nice bags on the Singer sewing machine and here and there she sold them. Besides, she had some kind of widow's pension, two hundred forints, if I remember correctly. And my father had been declared a war invalid, which also meant some extra money, maybe fifty forints. We got along very modestly, but managed somehow.
In 1949, naturally, I joined the DISZ, not at school, but in district organization XIII/29, on the basis of residence. I spent at least twenty hours a week there. After a while, in 1950, I became secretary of XIII/29 and I imagined that I was doing very important work and I also believed that I was defending peace. That was the main motive for me. I marched in inordinate quantities. We were paraded whenever possible. For example, during the council elections, we walked the streets at dawn, singing loudly to encourage the population. I couldn't fathom not taking part in that.
I was immediately admitted to the Russian Institute at the university. When I applied, it was the Russian Department of ELTE, and by the time I went in the autumn it was called the Russian Institute. It was completely separate from ELTE. Then, in January it was called the Lenin Institute.
I only really attended university for a year because I got married and became pregnant. The marriage came about when I was fifteen and a classmate of mine met a boy at a dance school and we bumped into each other at the swimming pool. At the dancing school,84 boys were properly taught how to approach girls. I was fifteen years old, Sanyi Virág seventeen, but he greeted me with respect and we were on formal terms with each other. For at least three weeks. It was love at first sight. He played water polo for Vasas.
We had been going out for a year when he graduated and became a medical doctor. He approached me in mid-September saying he had been offered a Soviet scholarship. He asked if I would wait for him. Because by then we had already decided to get married. I said sure. But my answer was motivated in part by a young communist activist's sense of honor. As soon as he decided to go to the Soviet Union, he was moved to a college called Oleg Kosevoy.85 He lived there for three months and studied Russian. They went out in December and started the first semester at the beginning of the second semester. They were told that the real good comrades would come home as soon as possible to build socialism, so whoever agreed could stay there for the summer, finish the second semester and continue with the sophomores in the fall. He took the opportunity, so he came home for the first time in almost twenty months. I had already graduated in the meantime. When he first came home, he was a bit of a stranger, but I didn't think much of it at the time. Of course, we corresponded during the twenty months, but a letter took at least two weeks to arrive, so if one of us asked a question, the answer came in a month. He was home for a month, then he went back and we continued to correspond. He came home again at the end of the third year, by which time I had completed my first year. I was supposed to go abroad on a scholarship as well, but then I wasn't allowed. They said that the current state of class struggle did not allow intellectuals to go to the Soviet Union.
When he was home for the second time, he suddenly asked me, what reason is there not to get married right away? Really, why not, I asked with innocent eyes. Though I had no room, my bed was the old sofa bed, which kept collapsing. My income was as low as my wages from having three private pupils. The mother of one of them could not pay, but she was a seamstress and made clothes from my outgrown rags, sometimes two old rags into one dress. That was our quality of life. We got married. His parents were very happy, my mother was happy. My mother had wanted to be a doctor, and then she wanted me to be a doctor, and I didn't want to hear about it, so now there would be a doctor in the family after all. And she loved Sanyi. She did have some concerns about whether it was a bit premature. We didn't want the baby right away; it was an accident. I went through the pregnancy alone; he was in Leningrad, no money. My mother and I rented out a room in the flat because we couldn't afford the overhead costs. And the staff room was occupied for a long time, until 1956, by a couple who had moved in at some point to clean. My mother used to say that if you had a decent flat, you shouldn't give it up, because it would come in handy one day. Besides, she was terribly attached to her furniture.
We had been going out for a year when he graduated and became a medical doctor. He approached me in mid-September saying he had been offered a Soviet scholarship. He asked if I would wait for him. Because by then we had already decided to get married. I said sure. But my answer was motivated in part by a young communist activist's sense of honor. As soon as he decided to go to the Soviet Union, he was moved to a college called Oleg Kosevoy.85 He lived there for three months and studied Russian. They went out in December and started the first semester at the beginning of the second semester. They were told that the real good comrades would come home as soon as possible to build socialism, so whoever agreed could stay there for the summer, finish the second semester and continue with the sophomores in the fall. He took the opportunity, so he came home for the first time in almost twenty months. I had already graduated in the meantime. When he first came home, he was a bit of a stranger, but I didn't think much of it at the time. Of course, we corresponded during the twenty months, but a letter took at least two weeks to arrive, so if one of us asked a question, the answer came in a month. He was home for a month, then he went back and we continued to correspond. He came home again at the end of the third year, by which time I had completed my first year. I was supposed to go abroad on a scholarship as well, but then I wasn't allowed. They said that the current state of class struggle did not allow intellectuals to go to the Soviet Union.
When he was home for the second time, he suddenly asked me, what reason is there not to get married right away? Really, why not, I asked with innocent eyes. Though I had no room, my bed was the old sofa bed, which kept collapsing. My income was as low as my wages from having three private pupils. The mother of one of them could not pay, but she was a seamstress and made clothes from my outgrown rags, sometimes two old rags into one dress. That was our quality of life. We got married. His parents were very happy, my mother was happy. My mother had wanted to be a doctor, and then she wanted me to be a doctor, and I didn't want to hear about it, so now there would be a doctor in the family after all. And she loved Sanyi. She did have some concerns about whether it was a bit premature. We didn't want the baby right away; it was an accident. I went through the pregnancy alone; he was in Leningrad, no money. My mother and I rented out a room in the flat because we couldn't afford the overhead costs. And the staff room was occupied for a long time, until 1956, by a couple who had moved in at some point to clean. My mother used to say that if you had a decent flat, you shouldn't give it up, because it would come in handy one day. Besides, she was terribly attached to her furniture.
The child was born in April 1953, precisely on my twentieth birthday, and his father first saw him when he was six weeks old. He was very happy. He said he would graduate in two years and come home to his family. But he was a stranger by then. We were still formally married, but it was over. It was his last year when we divorced, the divorce trial was quite weary, and it was not entirely risk-free to divorce a good comrade who had studied in the Soviet Union.
When Stalin died in 1953, I cried a lot. I only stopped because my mother told me it was bad for the child. When Imre Nagy came, along the new government program, I didn't figure out anything. I just concluded that mistakes had been made, but now everything will be corrected.
But it was only in 1955 that I really began to wake up. It wasn’t just me, there were smarter people than me, like Konrád. He believed it too, he took it seriously. Even though he was expelled from university. We had gone through such thorough brainwashing that we accepted it. Then in 1956 came Khrushchev's speech,88 from which we could finally learn a few things. By then we had become ardent supporters of Imre Nagy.
My fervor for the movement seemed to have been cut off clean in 1956.89 I joined neither the KISZ nor the party. Later, in the sixties, when things were gentler, when there were no more murders, when people were no longer in prison, I felt that I would give an arm and a leg for some activist organizing. I thought about the peace movement. The greatest experience of my life had been war, so I know what peace meant. But I decided not to give my name to these people. At times in certain situations, I was told that it would be better if I was a party member, but I said I didn't want to be.
It turns out you can't raise a baby from nothing. I realized I had to go to work. And the Virág parents didn't mention any such thing as 'you just study for now' and they would help support their grandchild instead of their son in their son, w ho was being educated by the state anyway and wasn't contributing to the child's upbringing anyway. Their two manager's salaries would have paid for it. Instead, they said they would help me find a job. And they helped indeed, as getting a job was not easy, either. I went to work for the IBUSZ93 in November 1953. I was hired because I knew languages, but I didn't need them very often. When my work didn't concern languages, which was most of the time, I worked in the ticket office on the Oktogon Squire. It was a miserable job, quite tiring, too, and if you were at the cash register and you made a mistake and came up short at the end of the day, they would deduct it from your pay. I was paid seven hundred and sixty forints a month. I worked for ten months and saved a thousand forints. I decided to continue my studies in the 1954/55 academic year and to take out a hundred forints from my savings every month, in addition to the scholarship.
We officially divorced in 1955, but we split up in 1954. When we had our last hearing, Konrád and I went to the registry office in the Fifth District to register for marriage. By then we had already booked a room in Tihany. I had to hand in my identity card, and it said that I was married. The registrar looked at me stunned and said, "But you are married." I said I was divorced. "Well, there is no trace of that here. When did you get divorced?" "Yesterday." He said to postpone it until a little later, when it becomes legally binding. Or we could run to the courthouse, tell them not to send the decree per post, but to give it to us, and come back the day it becomes final.
After graduating from university, I was placed at the Csanády Street primary school, which was close to our flat. I was there for six years and I learned a lot from it. I taught Russian, and later English and Hungarian. I earned a qualification for that as well, because in the meantime they realized that this one-subject degree was stupid, and they announced Hungarian and History as additional subjects.
The marriage with György Konrád lasted seven years. We split up because it turned out that we were not compatible. He is quite an excellent man, but he is not suitable as a husband, at least he was not at the age of twenty. Soon after Konrád and I split up, I got married to Szekeres.
György Szekeres was at the Sorbonne in 1940, and when the war broke, he volunteered. In 1941 he joined the French resistance movement. With high military honors, he was a major general and commander of all the foreign fighters in the partisan army, and in 1945 he was discharged, came home and became the foreign affairs columnist of the "Free People", but he hated it, he kept asking to be allowed back to Paris.
We never moved in together, because he had previously acquired a co-tenancy in the house I was living in, from which he had split off a one-bedroom apartment. It was the first apartment he ever occupied as the main tenant. We divided my mother's apartment in 1957 and it became two small apartments with separate entrances. So, as a family, we had three small flats in the same house: my mother and I on the sixth floor, Gyuri on the first. We lived like that almost all the time.
I finished the first year while I was still teaching at Csanády. At that time, we taught on a morning-afternoon rotation, and I only attended university classes every other week. They accepted it. I graduated in psychology in 1963.
While I was a senior teacher at Trefort, I worked as a lecturer at the School of Drama and Film from 1974. In 1979, I left Trefort and was employed solely by the university. In 1987, Mrs. Miklós Radnóti, the former head of the lectorate, retired and I was appointed, even though I was not a party member.
Sara Ushpitsene
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Adam was very educated. As an adolescent he got Jewish rabbinical education, but he was a farmer. He toiled the land with his wife, and when their children grew up, they started helping them. Grandpa had a large husbandry – apart from owning land he also had cattle and poultry. He had a lot of work to do in spring and fall. When land was to be ploughed, he hired some farm hands, but still he worked himself. No matter what season it was, what work was to be done, Jewish traditions were the priority for Adam. They observed the kashrut, Sabbath, fasts and celebrated all Jewish holidays in accordance with the tradition. Besides, Grandfather prayed daily. In the morning he put on tallit and tefillin and read prayers from his prayer book. There was no synagogue either in the village or in Luksiai. Here the Jews got together in a minyan to pray together and celebrate Sabbath.